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<title>'I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs' by Odd_birds_and_booksellers</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30045516">'I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs'</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odd_birds_and_booksellers/pseuds/Odd_birds_and_booksellers'>Odd_birds_and_booksellers</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Grey's Anatomy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:07:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,727</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30045516</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odd_birds_and_booksellers/pseuds/Odd_birds_and_booksellers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jo is trying to cope with losing the life she and Alex had planned in a world she no longer recognises. Maybe a trip to the beach will bring her some much-needed clarity.</p><p>Season 17 Rewrite</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex Karev &amp; Jo Wilson, Alex Karev/Jo Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>'I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs'</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“I exist in two places,</em><br/>
<em>here and where you are.”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>― <span class="authorOrTitle">Margaret Atwood</span></em>
  </strong>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Jo finds herself staring through the window of Meredith's room, she hadn’t quite found the courage to step inside just yet. Feeling her face heat from the PPE as she stood just watching the quiet beeps of the machines, her reflection staring back at her in the glass showing the exhausted shell of a person. She</span>
  <span> hadn’t been up to see her since she’d been admitted. It wasn’t just the overwhelming workload and regulations that prevented her visit up to her room, no it was what she was reminded of, it was the voice she could hear in her head when she thought about Meredith not making it. His voice. His face. She can see him so clearly, he's everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She's chasing his shadow around every corner but she feels him the most with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi Mer…” Jo whispers as she slips into the room, hesitantly scanning the machines for any change as she makes her way around the bed. She’s never seen Meredith look so weak, so pale, broken, and she'd seen her go through a lot in the last eight years. “I’m sorry I haven't been in here to visit you yet.” She takes a seat, close to the corner, readjusting her mask as she sits down carefully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I keep telling myself you’re okay, that it’s okay that I don’t visit because you’ve got an army just waiting behind those doors but it’s not…” Jo mumbles, reaching up to run her hands through her hair before she remembers the almost helmet-like mask over her face. She lets out a shaky breath as she places her hands down on her lap, the Covid floor had always been scary, knowing at any second those alarms could sound and it would all be over...like ticking time bombs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “You were there for me, you got me up out of bed when I couldn’t imagine carrying on, you were there for me and I should be here for you now...I don't know if you can hear me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jo feels silly even talking out loud, she's never done this before, she’s never had someone she cares for be seriously ill. “I should’ve been here sooner...before.” She lets out a dry laugh gesturing to the ventilator helping Meredith breathe. “I see him everywhere you know? Every part of this hospital reminds me of him, and I’m trying to push that down and I guess it’s just harder to do that with you.” Jo sighs, fiddling with the empty space on her finger, still not used to the bare feel of it. It was a cruel twist of fate that she'd spent more time upon the peds floor this year then she had since she was an intern.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every time she walks into the NICU she scans the flor without thought, just holding her breath in case she catches sight of him hunched over a newborn, whispering comforting words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tries not to dwell on what it would be like to have Alex here beside her, she tries to focus on her work and the pandemic while it changes the way she views the world. It provides a distraction, something for her to fight through, a purpose that stops her from drowning in her feelings. But it’s one thing to be a doctor fighting this, it’s another to be a friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to fight this Meredith...you have to fight because we need you...we all need you…”</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span><em>“You have to fight this Meredith...you have to fight because we need you...we all need you…”</em> Jo’s voice is barely a whisper through the wind as Meredith leans back against the rocks, listening to the water crash up against the shore.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She's right you know…” His voice is gruff, but it feels like coming home, she’d know that voice anywhere as she peeks an eye open squinting up at the figure in front of her. He’s standing above her, a beer in his hands and a clear smirk on his face. He looks so carefree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She frowns, sitting up frantically. He’s here. He can’t be here. “What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He laughs, sitting down beside her. “You tell me…” he shrugs, letting out a sigh as leans back against the rocks, throwing one arm underneath his head. Meredith could hit him, because even here...even in this weird limbo he’s still a smug ass. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She narrows her eyes at him, scanning him for any sign of how he got here and why he’s sitting beside her now. “You aren’t dead are you or dying?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No I’m all good...or I was the last time I checked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why are you here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiles softly, placing the beer she's not sure how he got to the side of him, lifting a handful of sand letting it fall between his fingers, as the waves come up higher on the beach, dangerously close to their feet. “It’s not real Mer...you want me here so I’m here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meredith bites her lip as she meets his eye. She needed him, for months she needed him here, when this pandemic hit she wanted him to be here, to tell her there wasn't anything they couldn’t survive and that he'd be here by her side. “I needed you...I needed you here….actually here.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alex cocks his head to the side, </span>
  <span>the corners of his mouth turned up as he pats the space beside him. “</span>
  <span>You haven’t lost me, you'll never lose me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not the same, you know it’s not the same.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>“Meredith…”</em> Jo's voice whispers through the wind again, making both of them stop. Silence falls as she turns her gaze towards her voice, she can make out her figure a little way down the beach, she’s resting by the deck further up, looking out at the water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You hurt her….” Her voice is low as she tears her gaze away from Jo, turning back to Alex who’s eyes have focused on the figure at the end of the beach, his eyes glistening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know….” He mutters, that stupid smirking face repairing as he watches the figure wonder closer to the water. Like even in this weird space the sight of her still brought a smile to his lips. Meredith is ton between hugging and hitting him as they both watch Jo's form wander along the beach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meredith groans glancing one more time at Jo before turning her back to her, she knows she’s trying to pull her back to the real world...but she’s just not ready to go back yet. “Seriously?...seriously Alex this isn’t funny.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lets out a low chuckle, and Meredith can't fight the smile that appears on her own face as she hears his laughter. “That's how you picture me, I can't help it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss you.” She grins, as he sits up, the smile still evident on his face as he brushes the sand off of himself and moves to stand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nods as he goes to offer out his hand, his face falling as she remembers none of this is real...he’s not here to help her get back up. “I miss you too but I’m at the end of the phone you just gotta wake up and call me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meredith shakes her head, as she remains seated, pulling her legs up to her chest as she stares out the ocean, wondering if he’ll disappear soon just like they all do. “I don’t know if I can.” She admits, reluctantly looking up to meet his eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In his letter he wrote how she had the power to make him come home, well he has that power too but she hopes he’ll leave her here. Let her go. Because nothing hurts here...and she's not sure she wants to keep fighting she’s tired. She’s tired and she’s not ready to try again...not yet.  “Mer I’ve seen you survive bombings, drownings, plane crashes, shootings and crazy patients...you’re not going anywhere not if you don’t want to.” He puts emphasis on the last part, it’s her choice she knows that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span><em>“Mer you have to stay and you have to fight….”</em> It’s Jo’s voice that breaks out over the sound of the waves, she's closer now, turning around Meredith is surprised to see she's only standing a few feet away from them. Her eyes only focused on Meredith like she can’t even see Alex standing right there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he can see her, Meredith watches as he swallows deeply, blinking back tears as he takes in the sight of her, that doe-eyed smile he always had for her falling across his face as he watches her move closer to Meredith. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She misses you...she doesn’t like to admit it but she does…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lowers his head, shoving his hands into his pockets, as he kicks the sand at his feet. “I miss her too, It's like I'm missing a part of me without her...but I'll learn to live without her. She deserves better...she’ll find better and you...you’ll go back to her and to Amelia, to Maggie, to Richard and to the kids because they need you...they’re your people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks back towards Jo who's standing their expectantly as the wind blows through the beach and when she turns back he's gone...not even footprints left in the sand from where he stood.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m here Mer...wake up” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Her head jerks back at the sound of his voice, spinning around but she can’t see him. He’s not here, she can’t will him to be. <em>“Alex?”</em></span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span><em>“Alex?”</em> Jo's eyebrows furrow as she turns towards the doorway, her breath catching in her throat as their eyes meet. Because he’s here...he’s standing right in front of her in full PPE, with bags under his eyes like he hadn’t slept properly in days and for a moment everything just stops, for a moment everything okay because her home has always been him, her safest place has always been looking into his eyes and for a single second, it’s all okay. And then it’s not and all the pain from before comes crashing down around her. and she's suffocating, itching at the urge to rip PPE from herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Jo…”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You would be right in thinking this bitch has no place starting another multi-chapter while she has three on the go but it's short you know. This has been in my drafts since December and it was only when we found out April was retuning that I figured out my major plot hole kinda, so here is another story I shouldn't write.</p><p>This chapter feels very Meredith heavy but I promise the story isn't.</p><p>Thanks for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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